Day 50

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I started these faces around the same time my anxiety began, in early October.

I think this is the longest I’ve gone without posting.

Just sitting down to collect my thoughts and write them here is raising my heart rate. My mind is both full and blank. The different parts of my head take turns fucking with me: my brain, my temples, my sinuses, my blocked nose and ear (mostly the right). I’m lucky if I get an accumulated five hours of sleep a night. I can’t sleep in a bed, just couches, no matter where I am: started in London, then my parents’ and now at home. My home. It feels like a stranger to me and I need to love it again. I’m finding it a challenge to fill my lungs with the oxygen required to breathe normally. And sometimes I forget to breathe at all and have to remind myself.

I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and I’m doing everything I can to fix myself.

Below is a Facebook status update I posted November 4. It’s how things began, in a nutshell. I was so desperate for answers and help when I wrote this:

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I’m trying so hard to be positive. It doesn’t come naturally to me and I get so sick of it.

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This can’t be forever.

Another status update:

The drawings I started in October:

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The one who smiled. Because it was October 5.

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Back when I was in London. I’m better now and I think (hope) I’m going to be OK.


8 Comments on “Day 50”

  1. Dear Ghadah, you’ve been on my mind the last few days. Sorry to hear you’re not 100% at the moment and I’m sending you warm wishes for a quick recovery. Your self-expression and passion continue to inspire me many years after first discovering your blog. xxx

    PS. Woman to woman, there is a lot of fear put around about menopause, and it’s somewhat inevitable I think to be affected by this. There’s also some grief involved.

  2. Dear Ghadah,
    I’ve been following your work for quite some time now.
    Needless to say, i felt very sorry to hear about your depression.
    I wish you well.

  3. Dear Girl, I didn’t know you were on FB or I would have commented sooner! I’ve noticed your absence/mood. I have the same diagnosis for many years; a doctor checks my blood every 6 months; I am on antidepressants + anti anxiety meds. My life has been unhappy and traumatic but my own metabolism pushed me over the edge. My challenge is to “let go” and “let god”. God? What god? At 69 I decide to challenge the existence of god? Yep. And now that monster who is leading my country is threatening to cut welfare programs (like the one that will allow me to have more affordable housing next year). The world is so frightening right now. I rely heavily on my art world as my touchstone to keep me interested, inspired and engaged. I cherish reaching out to others (mostly creatives I admit). To quote artist Jane Cather, “May all flow well”. xoxo

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